The Comedy Condo

It has been a while since I was on the road being a comic. To have a week of comedy where you have to travel to a location more than 3 hours away, and have to stay in the “comedy condo” is what most comics strive for, if not just for the stories to tell at a later date. This week, I am in the Cleveland area working with one of my favorite “Road Dogs” Thaddeus Challis.

We traveled to the club to get the condo key, and then headed over to see what our dwelling conditions will be for the next five days. The door was on the side of a small strip mall, and was made of steel. Only three address numbers from the dollar section of the hardware story revealed this secret passage. No window, no signage, just simple numbers. As we took the stairs up the darkly lit stairs, the steel door closed behind us with a distinctive bang. Air whistled around the gaps in the door jam, the little lit the open door provided, cause instant darkness. The dark stairwell, and creaky steps provided a heightened level of anticipation and possible disappointment.
The room was clean, and I was surprised the stench of stale beer, and pot was not left from the last comics staying here. Thad and I chose our bedrooms, and began to settle into the surroundings. This must be an old building because the wiring for each of the outlets is noticeably traveling around the baseboards and up the walls. Almost as if a building inspector told the owner he needs to upgrade the wiring, and running conduit up the side of the walls was the simplest solution.

Being above a small dental office, behind a steel door, with only one side of the condo having windows, it almost feels like I am in the witness protection program and this is the safe-house.
We were sitting around the kitchen table, and I grabbed the stack of magazines that were nested in a small alcove. I didn’t read the title of the first magazine I picked up, and was very surprised and the first picture I saw. It was a naked man, on a beach posing for a picture with a naked girl, while several other naked people were casually standing around. I quickly closed the cover and read the title---Naturally Magazine? Apparently, this is the magazine for nudists! And there were two copies of this magazine at $9.95 per edition! (Click here to see their Facebook page). Who would pay that much for old man balls and 1970’s un-kept pubic regions?
Immediately I tried to think of the past comics that were in this condo, and thought about who might be a nudist. No one came to mind, but maybe it was a comic that was just too embarrassed to buy a Hustler, or didn’t have a computer for the internet. Both copies of the magazine looked like they had been left in the rain. All of the pages were wavy, and stiff, and the sound of paper being peeled from itself was present while thumbing through it! After realizing what this magazine might have been used for, I immediately threw it toward the back of the recessed space only to let another unsuspecting comic soil his hand through the pages.

Another creepy surprise came when I pulled back the curtain of the one window in the bedroom. Behind the glass, was a storage room that was totally dark, but in several of the panes of glass were small, bloody handprints and blood splatter. A little unsettling, but based on the small size of the hand prints, I am guessing it was Brad Williams.
The bathroom is crazy small! The sink is strategically place directly in front of the toilet. If you sit on the toilet, you need to position yourself at a 45 degree angle, and put one leg in the tub.
But to be doing something I enjoy, with Thad, a guy I love like a brother is so worth it all!
#WouldNotChangeAThing

Valentine’s Day Flowers

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and I know many woman are expecting flowers from the their significant other.  My wife, the lovely Shannon, reminds me all the time that she would love flowers at work.  She mentions this every time I send pictures of flowers via text message, and asking if these flowers brighten her day.
So instead of waiting until February 14, I ordered flowers to be delivered on Monday, at her work place.  When they arrived, she called to remind me that Valentine’s Day is on Friday, not Monday, and her co-worker thought I was an idiot for sending them early.

But here is the method to the madness.  Girls want to get flowers no matter what day of the week, year, or holiday. And they want to show off their flowers, in their office, to the their co-workers, and clientele. So why would I wait until Friday to send flowers when I can maximize their effectiveness by getting them delivered on Monday?

By getting them delivered early, they can sit in her office all week, everyone gets to see them, and make their comments, and I look like a hero.  Versus sending them on Friday, and they either sit unnoticed all weekend, get neglected and wilt, or she brings them home, and I get to watch my expensive gesture rot on a coffee table.
In my mind, Monday was definitely the best choice!