Search This Blog

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Color Run, NASCAR, and Domestic Violence

Cincinnati was host to the 2015 MLB All-Star game, and one of the festivities was the Color Run.  15,000 people signed up to run or walk, and along the way, have people throw powdered paint at you.20150711_111312

Each station was a different color, and the first color we encountered was blue.  The paint handlers tossed the blue paint with great enthusiasm, and in their frenzy, I saw a stream of paint leave a canister, and landed directly in my eye.   It was blinding! I staggered around while they heaved more paint.  I could feel it getting in my hair, clothes, and shoes, as I stumble around awkwardly fearing a stumble and breaking my ankle.  

After several stations, and a rainbow of Technicolor assaults, we finished!  In the finish chute, I was busy trying to dig a giant chuck of blue paint that had settled in the bottom of my eye lid, and would randomly move up into my vision.  It would cover my whole field of vision in one eye, and then quickly dart back down as I attempted to remove it.  Like trying to catch an earthworm after a hard rain. As we crossed the finish line to get our medals, we were given more paint.  We each got a couple of bags of different colors, such as gold, silver, and purple.  The field at the finish line was a mess!  The band was getting people were tossing their paint bags in the air all at the same time.  It was quite a site from afar.  Everyone was a complete mess!

We had tickets that evening for the Kentucky Speedway Quaker State 400, so we quickly hit the showers to ready to head to the race.  Shannon came out of the shower with blue still under her arms, and all over her chest 20150711_111009and neck.  It was difficult to get off, possibly because it was the first color thrown, and was on us the longest.  Whatever the reason, we could not fully remove the color.  Based on the placement, it looked like Shannon was a victim of some serious domestic abuse (see picture).

I joked about the fact she looked like the star of a TV drama on the Oxygen channel (of course played by Judith Light -she is always in those series), and thought she would fit right in with the rest of the NASCAR fans.

Not knowing the parking situation or lay of the land, we pulled into the first driveway, and the first spot we found.20150712_123155

If you are familiar with your math studies, and remember Pythagorean Theory, our parking to the speedway is the length of the hypotenuse, or in simple terms, the furthest f**king point from the damn track!  It was a giant hike to get to the entrance, but to shorten the distance, we dipped over a guardrail and attempted to travel down, and up the other side of steep ravine.

Due to a recent horrible ankle sprain, I inched my way down this steep hill, while my friend Dave helped Shannon ease down the hill.  Several other people followed us through this treacherous shortcut, and seemed to be going just as 20150711_194522cautiously.

Near the bottom of the hill, nearing the trickling creek bed, Shannon slips and falls on her ass.  Dave, being the gentleman he is, is helping her up, when a girl in the trailing groups says, “doesn’t look like the first time you have taken a hit and fallen down.”

I remember looking down, and seeing a dumbfounded look on both Shannon’s and Dave’s face, followed by Shannon yelling, “I ran the color run this morning.”  But her words fell on deaf ears and the girl shook her head as if to say, “yeah, right.”

Guess you should never judge a woman by her bruises….

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Dimmer Switch

My home project for today is to change out a dimmer switch for newly installed lighting.  Unfortunately, I rested drywall against the current switch and broke it within 5 days of it being installed.

My visit to Home Depot was a little overwhelming.  I had no idea there were so many dimmer switches that ranged in price from $15 to $60.  How bad to you need to kill the lights that you need a $60 dimmer?  It didn’t even come with a remote!

Image result for wiringThis is where my color blindness, or lack of electrical experience became a slight hindrance. The switch came out of the box with one black wire, one green wire, and two red wires. Logic told me that the two red wires needed to be attached to the “hot” electrical circuit, while the black wire goes to the ground wire

The wires were attached the way I thought they should be, and I flipped the breaker to give it some power. I tuned on the switch, staring up at the lights, waiting for the brightness to fill the room, when….POP!  A giant arcing spark flew out the switch, smoke rose from the wires, and I heard the break trip. Son of a bitch! I just ruined a $40 switch!  What the hell went wrong?

I finally broke down and read the instructions. This parchment revealed that one of the red wires was the ground wire. WHAT!? Is this some new international wiring change I was not aware of? Who would use a red wire for a ground? Obviously the same guy that has never jumped a stalled car. What was the rational for this anyway? If we get people to blow up a $40 dimmer switch, they will have to buy another one? Where is the logic behind the coding? What if everyone just randomly changed historically created given truths? Image result for stop light

Like changing the pattern on a traffic light, and indicating green really means stop, but only a handful of people know that. Do you know how much chaos that would cause? This would be one way automotive manufactures and insurance companies could make some extra cash.  Or maybe this is how China expects to take over the world. One dimmer switch at a time.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Dumpster Bear



It was the day after Valentine's Day, and I was taking the dogs outside to do their business.  I walked them back by our condo dumpsters, because that is where we have the most open space, and it is where the dogs like to run ahead, and eat anything the raccoons pull from the dumpster.  As I approached the dumpster, I noticed there was something on the ground.  My initial instinct was that it was a bag of trash that was discarded by dirty men after being serviced by the working girls of our ghetto community.

As I got closer, it was revealed that it was a stuffed teddy bear that was in pristine condition.  As I picked it up, I noticed it still had the original tag.  A red tag, attached to his ear, indicating it was $5.99 with the purchase of 3 Hallmark cards.  The other half of the tag indicated this was Hallmark's Kiss Kiss Cupid Bear, and the instructions read "Press bears together, hear them kiss, and watch his wings flutter!"  I love the exclamation on the end.  It signifies some magically display of action will be shown if two of these bears are touching.

But I could not help wonder the journey of this little bear.  I don't think it is a coincidence that this item of affection was found on the ground, in front of a dumpster, the day after Valentine's Day.  Possibly put there as a result of a poor heave by a scorned lover?  Maybe the receiving girlfriend saw the price of $5.99 with the notice of 3 Hallmark cards, and wondered, "who are the other skanks that might be receiving cards?"  Perhaps she thought the bear gesture was not enough to win her love.

And where is the other bear?  This bear is clearly not something you buy just one of, and leave the store.  You have to buy two, otherwise, what is the point?  You cannot give this cute bear to someone, and have them be disappointed there is not two of them to hear the kiss and see the wings move!  This bear was an only child, I know because I looked in the dumpster.  If I would have found the other one, I thought, only for a fleeting moment, that I could pass this off as my own purchase and give it to Shannon.  But I am sure she would have been suspicious when one of the bears smelled like spoiled meat.

These bears are clearly for the first time love birds.  Those individuals that clearly have a difficult time showing emotion.  Once you give one of these bears, you have to leave them both with your significant other.  How weird would it be to bring your bear every time to go over to your girlfriend house, just to put them together and watch their wings move.  Afterwards, you take it home?  Seems creepy!

I wish I knew the answer to the mystery bear at dumpster's doorstep, but I am just going to have to speculate. A small token of affection discarded like Taco Bell wrappers at 3:00 AM.  But I was happy it was left there.  Now my dog has a new chew toy, one from which he can tear the innards out and leave quilt batting all over the house.  So for that, I say....

Thank you douchey boyfriend!

Leave your thoughts on how that bear found its way to the dumpster in the comments below......and thanks for reading!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Ohio State Shoes - WTF!

I work until I cannot stand the hunger anymore.  I never really plan on lunch, but lunch plans on me. It plans on me getting out of the office, and venturing around and spending money. Today, it was a Jersy Mike’s day.  As I was eating, I could see the running shoe store. This is the store where I purchased my previous running shoes, and thought, I probably should get a new pair. I knew it was probably close to a year since I purchased a new pair, and I felt good about myself today. 

A couple of fleeting moments of enthusiasm, and excitement filled my mind as the thought of me running a marathon again filled my head.  My excitement got the best of me, and on impulse, I hurriedly finished my sandwich and Cheetos, attempted to get that pesky yellow residue from my fingertips, and walked quickly to the store.

Without haste, I walked swiftly to the counter and, “I would like to purchase the same things as the last time.”  No trying on the shoes, no looking at the colors, just wanted her to grab my size, and let me walk out the door.  It was a safe action.  I was in a hurry, and I have worn the same size shoe for years without incidence, and my previous shoes felt awesome!   She looked up my name in their computer, walked to the back, and presented me with a shoe box.  After paying I grabbed the box, and tossed them in the back of my Hummer.

When I got home, I realized, I had just bought a pair of running shoes that displayed, out of all the color combinations in the world, those of Ohio State University. I am hoping my color blindness is causing me to see these shoes wrong, but I am pretty sure these are scarlet and grey.

As an alumni of the University of Michigan, I was devastated!  How could I wear these hideous things out in public?  My thoughts turned to; how I can hide the fact I am wearing these things?  Running at night?  Wear some oversized sweatpants?  Spray paint them?  Put an old sock over them?

Then I thought, if I think of these as Ohio State shoes, I won’t feel bad about cheating on my future workouts.